Well, this is it: I've finally decided to start reposting my old "Alexx Shorts" G.I. Joe reviews. They're the reviews that lead to what eventually became this blog! I'll be posting them in straight copy-and-paste format, separating them with bold dotted lines so you know where they begin and end, and then I'll post some final thoughts on what I think of the figure currently.
For those unfamiliar: I used to take random pictures here and there, but by the time the Rise of Cobra toys came out, I was getting annoying with how much people had been bashing the figures which were clearly better than the previous 25th Anniversary offerings. I set out to show people how awesome they were, and things went from there, forming into "Alexx Shorts", named so because I thought I was going to keep to a short format with a few pictures. I did not do that.
This one was meant to be an April Fools joke, at the time. As you can see by the posted date...I didn't make it. Turned out pretty good anyway!
Take it away, Techno-Vipers!
Man, do you know how excited I was to get ahold of those new Techno-Vipers? Like, the superest excitedest. It's only fair that I review them spectacularly, and in the spirit of fairness, I'ma do all this:
The Techno-Viper's insanity is obvious from the get-go. If you saw this in the store for the first time, you wouldn't think "Mechanic!" You get brownie points if you did, and also we get to ask you this question: "What do mechanics look like, where you're from?" The only mechanic I can think of that might wear these colors is a thug working on the Joker Mobile (I dunno if there's a Joker Mobile, but - you know what? I DO know there's a Joker Mobile, because the 40's and 50's are timeframes that really happened and I KNOW they did something like that at some point or another. Without even looking it up, I'll say it was either green or purple, had his face on the front, and a boxing glove on a spring would shoot outta somewhere. Anyone who knows: am I close?)
Compared to each other they appear the same, and you'd be right to think so. The two shades of purple, the silver pipes, the goofy helmets - the similarities don't stop there. It's as if they're the same figure side-by-side and I'm talking about them as if they were different figures. It's almost as if it's not "as-if" at all, and totally "as-is" or something that involves the lack or failure of a simile.
The Techno-Vipers come equipped with a wide array of absolute nonsense. We have a claw, a wrench, and a hammer - but these are the plainest terms I can find for these items. All three can be attached to a pipe, which would power the hydraulics confusingly built into each tool. I'd say the claw thing could probably cut, the wrench could use the power for gripping, and the hammer's head could piston back and forth wildly, vibrating the bones in your arm until they splinter like balsa wood. Or maybe it just fires off shots of compressed air that hammers the nails, or it powers up electrically to deliver a power-charged smashing hit that sends your opponents out of the ring - I DON'T KNOW, LEAVE ME ALONE.
Of course, if you're not happy with the "tools" there's always the "gun" to which the same tube can be attached. It's got a big 'ol flat thing...and a...it looks like a thing.
As an experiment (though perhaps you never bought this version), some Techno-Vipers also realistically tested future equipment for future toys, so they came absolutely PILED with 90's missile launchers for them to "test".
This is a thing that happened. True story.
Contrary to the color scheme, the looks of the figures, and the insufferable madness that are the tools they have to lug around; Techno-Vipers are there to work on vehicles 'n such.
But who would actually do any work for Cobra? I mean seriously? Plenty of guys shootin' stuff with a million different "Viper" specialties, and then you got THESE guys. Naturally, the Techno-Vipers are the screw-ups of Cobra, but only because the Dreadnoks are technically "hired" like "mercenaries" and not really part of Cobra proper. The Dreadnoks would be numero UNO on the Screw-up List, otherwise. Who even let them in the base? According to some of their filecards: most of 'em smell, are dumb, like to wreck things, or are generally unfit to walk and chew gum at the same time (let along drive motorcycles and drink grape soda). So the Techno-Vipers get away with wrecking stuff; sure! But the Dreadnoks....it says they like wrecking stuff directly on their filecards! Why would you even let them touch anything? Because Zartan says it's okay? By the way - which Zartan says it's okay? 'Cause that guy is supposed to have a bunch of different personalities and suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. He comes up to you talkin' with WHO KNOWS WHAT personality (while changing colors, I might add), says these crazy smelly guys are cool, and you're all like "Oh yeah sure, bring those suckers in!"
You gotta read some of those old filecards man, I'm serious! Zartan was the original crazy-nutjob-looney-toons. They seemed to have forgotten all his crazy over the years, but if I was recruiting for Cobra and I read that filecard - I don't care how good he is at impersonating people - I'd toss that mess in the trash. Then I'd go design some purple costumes for my mechanics and COMPLETELY cover their faces.
Because I want a gigantic terrorist group FULL of people I don't know. Just....all covered faces. Everywhere. Every guy that talks to me is like "Hey Commander!" and I'm all like "Heeeeyyy....Dave? Oh heck, how about HEAT Viper #36? Does that work?" I mean I'd be the Commander, and MY face would be covered - and that would be cool 'cause I don't want nobody knowin' me - but then like, ALL my peeps be coverin' their faces and we have this whole organization that I'm in charge of...but I don't even really know it personally, you know?
And what happens when you're in charge of a terrorist organization that you don't even know? A Crimson Guard shoots you in the back and takes over! Which is crazy, right? I mean, all these masked faces around you and working for you, and the one that ends up shooting you is one of the guys who all have the same face. Well, one of the Freds, anyway. You knew the Freds. Good guys. Well they were, until one of 'em shot ya. Then he goes and takes over in a suit of friggin' armor! Completely degrades the whole military look you were going for. Makes for an awesome toy, though!
*sigh* What was I talkin' about? Lets see, I started with Dreadnoks - OH YEAH, man, I was complaining about Zartan, but what about his brother, right? Zandar? MASTER OF STEALTH, that one. Oh wait, I'll be going over him in that Dreadnok pack - that is going to be priceless, I tell ya. I mean, solid gold-money-made-of-diamonds kinda stuff right there. Writes itself.
Aaalllrighty....I better wrap this up. Current season of "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" just finished and I wana catch up with what I recorded on the DVR. I hear there's a Royal Wedding at the end with some sorta big beat-down and they all fight these shape shifting bug horses or something. Sounds fuggin' RAD. Gotta get me some of that. Pinkie Pie probably shootin' that party cannon up in there.
Deleted Scene #1
Deleted Scene #2
During the "filming" of this special there was also a terrible accident. Due to old age, Techno-Viper #2 sadly broke his O-Ring:
I got him in a trade along with #3, and they both had their backpacks glued into their backs. That's why (in case you ever noticed) #3 always has his backpack. #2's backpack broke off in the hole, however...and so I cannot get to the screw to replace his O-Ring.
*sniff* I love ya buddy....
Later on, in the forum comments, I responded to someone with this:
I'm still proud of this mess, to tell you the truth. Yeah, I never did review the 30th Techno-Vipers (I had big plans that did play out) but at least my personal Techno-Vipers got a huge joke-off post to themselves. There were a million little jokes I had built up in my head through the years, so this provided an outlet to just rattle them off, one after the other.
Sadly, Techno-Viper #2 never did recover. You've probably seen 'ol Tank Legs in other posts involving more than one Techno-Viper, like their Power Ranger rip-off. I may take a drill to the back and fix him one day but, for now, it's easier just to leave him as Tank Legs. Cruel, but easier.