Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Total Infant Reviews: Jake


I honesty wasn't sure what to think of Infants until I had one in my hand.  Did you know you actually have to take CARE of them?? 


Infants are pretty customizable, to a point, so my wife and I named this one "Jacob" or "Jake" for short.  Turns out you have to do some work before-hand to get the ball rolling for your own Infant, but this is a classy blog, so I won't go into the specifics.  Once the Infant is incubated: He comes out almost nearly as you see here, depending on the ingredients thrown in.  Make sure you run this part past your significant other first, because she'll be doing the incubating and MAN is the ending intense!  Very...laborious. 


I probably shouldn't start with complaints, but: Jake comes with NO accessories.  As the fan of accessories that you all know I am...well, it's a bit disappointing.  On the other hand: Every accessory is sold separately, so you can customize your Infant how you like!  Jake is sporting a striped penguin deal with a zipper, and let me tell you: Once you go zipper, you won't want to go back to snaps!  There's a certain point where you wonder why snaps even exist if they can put zippers on these things. 

Reason being, of course, is that Jake is not easy to accessorize.  The articulation is unrivaled, but completely automatic!  And it's not just action features, either, I mean the limbs just waggle all over for no apparent reason.  You can probably guess why snaps would be harder than a zipper when you consider all the flailing you'll be dealing with upon each change. 

There is a minor solution, though:


The cocoon!  Straps the limbs down and it tends to put Jake to sleep.  I can't speak for other Infants, but it works pretty dang well on this one.  Still, it is one more step to add to the extensive accessorization process.  And you'll be performing this process a lot!


See this?  You need to feed an Infant, like, all the time.  It works just like it does with you, so whatever goes in: Comes out.  This is why I like the zipper variety of baby armor. Makes the cleanup process quicker and easier.

About those accessories, though: I didn't explain fully.  He doesn't come with any, technically, but he IS installed with software!  Learning software.  I won't call him a machine, per se, but if he were...he'd be a Learning Machine.  It isn't always obvious, but you can see it in his eyes.  They're always watching.  Ears, always listening.  Every bit of information is being absorbed and processed.

It's thinking.


You'll probably need a size comparison to really understand what you're dealing with, but I'm sure you've at least seen one before.  They're small!


Which, of course, means you'll want to be careful.  They're sturdy, but you can't drop these things.  As you can see, they'll grip whatever you put in their hands, but I wouldn't count on that for any sort of support.

At the end of the day, Jake is a lot of work.  He asks to eat all the time, keeps my wife and I up at night (on multiple occasions), needs to be cleaned and maintained frequently, and if everything goes right: He won't even stay this size!  That's right: Infants grow, and case in point, this one grew within the week we've had him!  It's crazy!  There's also a chance that Jake speeds up time, because I barely remember this week.  Who knows how much more time will pass in an instant! 

But ya know what?  I think I'm willing to continue putting the necessary work into this "Jake" Infant.  There's a lot he could be.  Perhaps a lot he's not gona be.  But you never know, and I'm gona need to be there to make sure the options are open enough for him to be able to make those choices for himself, one day.



...plus, I got a lot of dumbass jokes to pass along. 


Now lets put Jake under the watchful eye of the Guard Maltese and answer an important question:

What's this mean for the blog?

Well, for one thing: As you can see, I'm still in the early stages of taking care of a now one-week-old, so if things get behind...they get behind.  But I don't plan on stopping!  Once I can get back on track, there are still a LOT of toys I want to cover, and when Jake is old enough, I'm sure I'll have even more interesting and crazy things to cover (like a "what-jake-has-broken-this-week" recurring post).

Things are gona change.  Time is gona speed up.  Life will never be the same.  If you wana come along, then keep reading!  If there's anything that could possibly stop me from loving toys, well....it sure as heck ain't a child!

Bare with me while my wife and I work to keep our sanity and grab as much sleep as possible, when possible.  I'll post when I can!

30 comments:

  1. Congrats, all can say, is I hope you like the infant, because, well, you can't take these back to the shop for a refund if you don't like them! ;)

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    1. YOU CAN'T?! Dangit! Why didn't anyone tell me? It's eight in the morning and he won't stop crying and I can't figure out why and I was SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING IT.

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  2. Congrats and good luck to the both of you.

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    1. Thank you! The luck is appreciated!

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  3. Best part of your collection. Hands down. Never sell, or damage it. I hear it's one of a kind.

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  4. Surprised you didn't go for one of the translucent editions. Does it at least glow in the dark?

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    1. Apparently the translucent ones are "unhealthy" or some such nonsense. I tried for a glow-in-the-dark one, but my wife wouldn't ingest the toxic waste with me, and if I'm just drinkin' it on my own, what's the point?

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  5. Congratulations!

    Let me tell you, do things right and in no time you'll have a little buddy to go on toy runs with you! My little one is only 2 and a 1/2 now and she's all about some toy runs.



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    1. Thanks!

      Yeah, I'm looking forward to the days of a constant Toy Run partner. I don't want to spoil the kid, but...heck, I spoil ME. I don't see why he can't get some of it.

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  6. Right now it's a good thing you're not a mint in box collector.

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    1. Well, while he was MUCH easier Mint in Box, Elena was getting a little tired of being the box, sooo....ya know. I DID decide to keep the packaging around, though!

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    2. Zing! Toy jokes! Seriously though, comedy is a big part of our relationship, so no harm was intended or felt.

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  7. Dude, this is the first time I read an entire blog post about babies! And worst of all, I was grinning the whole time!
    Congratulations and all the best for you and your family.

    PS: In the future I would like to see posts on how you go about teaching your kids the importance of money (like encouraging him to save so he can buy his own toys) while you buy trillion of toys for yourself! And then not letting him play with them. That's cold, man. Or if you let him play with ALL your toys... will he grow up to be a monster? I have no kids and this part scares me to tell you the truth...

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    1. These are things that will be planned on the fly. Obviously, when I'm on a toy run, I'm not just gona be like "dad can have toys, but YOU CAN'T!" My main idea so far is to cut down my own buying, so that we're not both getting a ton of things. And he can totally play with with most of my toys!

      Honeslty, I'm not all that worried about it. We'll get to a point where I'll work on his own money and make sure he knows that his own collection will have to be maintained by himself at some point.

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    2. You seem too relaxed. It would be funnier if you were panicking like I will when my time comes :(

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    3. Ooooh ho ho, I'm panicked! Ha. Haha. Just not about random toy junk that'll be handled waaay in the future. I'm panicking RIGHT NOW about the fact that I'm taking care of a newborn! And the fact that he doesn't sleep at night! I NEED SLEEP! And I'm stupid! Soooo stupid. I'm just praying every day that an idiot like me can take proper care of this kid.

      So trust me: There's panic! It's just not about toys.

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    4. Much better. Also I was told the other day that the trick to having a baby sleep all night long is that the mother should avoid eating during the night while pregnant, no matter how hungry she gets. Keep this in mind for Jake 2.0 or even for Jake 1 if you get the chance to travel back in time.

      Also, you've probably seen this by now but just in case: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2C8MkY7Co8

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    5. HA! If that's true, then we TOTALLY screwed that up. We're late-night people as it is, and I dunno how many times we ate a late dinner. Ah well! We'll deal with it as it goes.

      And no, I hadn't seen that. Interesting! I may try that out.

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  8. He'll be fully customized and ready for battle before you know it! I outfitted mine with Mjolnir, a cape, and a lightsaber.

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    1. Nice! I'm thinking maybe the Power Sword, a Mega Buster, and some High Jump Boots.

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  9. Congratulations!

    I've been playing with my Infant since he showed up in the mail. At least I think it was the mail. Either way, I spend a lot of time with my Infant. Apparently some people get multipacks, but I'm good with the single carded version for now.

    I assume you're as excited as I am about the chances to combine your imaginations and see what you can come up with. You can bet that when we're not searching for dinosaur bones in the backyard, making spaceships out of cardboard boxes, and having winged giraffe races, we'll find some time to use our imaginations. I can't wait!

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    1. OH MAN, we're so glad ours was single carded! If we had a multipack we'd be going insane.

      And yeah, I'm excited for what comes next! Honestly, I never lost the love for making things up, and I still see random objects as other stuff they COULD be. I'm looking forward to that being a normal thing again, for awhile.

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  10. Long time reader, first time commenter! I'm personally a little too young to be getting one of these Infant thingies. I'm the type of guy who likes that 'immediate trade-off' when it comes to purchasing toys, which is why I prefer to buy retail rather than online. I simply don't have the patience to wait nine months after payment to own one of these things! It's a lottery when it comes to getting an Infant; you could end up with anything. I hear the new trend is dressing them up like animals. Bizarre...

    Apparently, the fun REALLY begins once you get a few more. Get about 6 or 7 of them, dress 'em up, and create a battle display! YAY! Or, y'know, keep it at like 2 or 3...

    Seriously, yours is simply adorable and totally unique, and you should be very proud. Congratulations on owning one of the best blind-bagged figures you'll ever have.

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    1. Thanks for commenting! And yeah, I'd certainly put some time between getting one of these - it's a long-time toy commitment, and they take up more and more space as they grow. I hadn't heard about a trend for dressing them up like animals, but I am INTRIGED. Perhaps, dressed as a dog, I could convince my own dog to take care of him while we're away? GENIUS!

      Man, I'm not even THINKING of army building infants! We're not ruling out 2, but it's certainly gona stop there.

      Thanks man! You're also the first person other than my wife and I to call this a "blind bag!" We were thinkin' about that when she was pregnant and realizing we had no idea what we would get.

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    2. They are definitely a fun army builder. 3 boys, my oldest just turned 5 and the youngest turns 1 in April. One word of caution, each army builder seems to be stronger and more reckless in regards to their own self preservation than the previous. Either that or we have a bizarre factory defect going on here. Congrats and enjoy being a dad. They become more fun and insane once they move more.

      Been a fan of your reviews ever since I started reading your reviews on JBL (wish they hadn't been lost I'd love to go back and reread them all) but I will say this is probably my fav review of all.

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    3. Thanks again! I know we've got our hands full now, but we're not writing off the idea of more. Just...for now. I will consider your caution, because if they become more reckless, then my own tendencies when I was a child will probably result in a child that likes climbing more and more dangerous things.

      And in regards to Alexx Shorts: They're technically not lost! I saved them all, I just...haven't done anything else with them yet. They're just word files, at the moment. I've thought about putting them up here, but it feels unfair to the source and JBL hosting them for so long. I should hand them over to JBL, but I feel bad just saying "here ya go!" and making do the work of putting them back up. I guess I could just post them again, but I need to keep in contact and ask what the best course is. I haven't been around there in awhile, and once again, I feel bad about it.

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