Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Total Infant Reviews: Jake
I honesty wasn't sure what to think of Infants until I had one in my hand. Did you know you actually have to take CARE of them??
Infants are pretty customizable, to a point, so my wife and I named this one "Jacob" or "Jake" for short. Turns out you have to do some work before-hand to get the ball rolling for your own Infant, but this is a classy blog, so I won't go into the specifics. Once the Infant is incubated: He comes out almost nearly as you see here, depending on the ingredients thrown in. Make sure you run this part past your significant other first, because she'll be doing the incubating and MAN is the ending intense! Very...laborious.
I probably shouldn't start with complaints, but: Jake comes with NO accessories. As the fan of accessories that you all know I am...well, it's a bit disappointing. On the other hand: Every accessory is sold separately, so you can customize your Infant how you like! Jake is sporting a striped penguin deal with a zipper, and let me tell you: Once you go zipper, you won't want to go back to snaps! There's a certain point where you wonder why snaps even exist if they can put zippers on these things.
Reason being, of course, is that Jake is not easy to accessorize. The articulation is unrivaled, but completely automatic! And it's not just action features, either, I mean the limbs just waggle all over for no apparent reason. You can probably guess why snaps would be harder than a zipper when you consider all the flailing you'll be dealing with upon each change.
There is a minor solution, though:
The cocoon! Straps the limbs down and it tends to put Jake to sleep. I can't speak for other Infants, but it works pretty dang well on this one. Still, it is one more step to add to the extensive accessorization process. And you'll be performing this process a lot!
See this? You need to feed an Infant, like, all the time. It works just like it does with you, so whatever goes in: Comes out. This is why I like the zipper variety of baby armor. Makes the cleanup process quicker and easier.
About those accessories, though: I didn't explain fully. He doesn't come with any, technically, but he IS installed with software! Learning software. I won't call him a machine, per se, but if he were...he'd be a Learning Machine. It isn't always obvious, but you can see it in his eyes. They're always watching. Ears, always listening. Every bit of information is being absorbed and processed.
You'll probably need a size comparison to really understand what you're dealing with, but I'm sure you've at least seen one before. They're small!
Which, of course, means you'll want to be careful. They're sturdy, but you can't drop these things. As you can see, they'll grip whatever you put in their hands, but I wouldn't count on that for any sort of support.
At the end of the day, Jake is a lot of work. He asks to eat all the time, keeps my wife and I up at night (on multiple occasions), needs to be cleaned and maintained frequently, and if everything goes right: He won't even stay this size! That's right: Infants grow, and case in point, this one grew within the week we've had him! It's crazy! There's also a chance that Jake speeds up time, because I barely remember this week. Who knows how much more time will pass in an instant!
But ya know what? I think I'm willing to continue putting the necessary work into this "Jake" Infant. There's a lot he could be. Perhaps a lot he's not gona be. But you never know, and I'm gona need to be there to make sure the options are open enough for him to be able to make those choices for himself, one day.
...plus, I got a lot of dumbass jokes to pass along.
Now lets put Jake under the watchful eye of the Guard Maltese and answer an important question:
What's this mean for the blog?
Well, for one thing: As you can see, I'm still in the early stages of taking care of a now one-week-old, so if things get behind...they get behind. But I don't plan on stopping! Once I can get back on track, there are still a LOT of toys I want to cover, and when Jake is old enough, I'm sure I'll have even more interesting and crazy things to cover (like a "what-jake-has-broken-this-week" recurring post).
Things are gona change. Time is gona speed up. Life will never be the same. If you wana come along, then keep reading! If there's anything that could possibly stop me from loving toys, well....it sure as heck ain't a child!
Bare with me while my wife and I work to keep our sanity and grab as much sleep as possible, when possible. I'll post when I can!