Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Welcome to Pog Blog!

This is it, folks!  I've discovered what's really important in life.

It's Pogs.  It was Pogs.  It is Pogs.  It will always be Pogs.

Now I know what you're thinking: "FFFFAAAA----" and you'd be right!  But you know what?  I'm not standing in your way of happiness and enlightenment.  I would stand aside and put my arms out like I was all sarcastic, but I wouldn't be sarcastic, because I'm be letting you go.  Right past me.  'Cause I'm nice like that.

So don't you think you should do the same for me?  Open those arms.  Hug me. 

I mean, let me pass.  Right into that bright, brilliant light that only the radiance of Pogs can bring.  A radiance that shines upon my face with the gentle warmth of the sun when I'm wearing sunscreen, because I burn like the chick in the tanning bed in Final Destination whatever number that was where dumb things happened and people died. 

Lets just...move away from that analogy. 

Let's start with a little history:  Pogs came around in the mid-90's, because that shit was radical and the 90's was the only decade that could contain them (I.E. put up with them).  The idea of the game has been around since the olden times, like....sometime when people wore suits 'n stuff.  Can you imagine some big six in the 20's slammin' Pogs on the level like it was the bee's knees?  And how!

Except none of that because this started in Hawaii, and I dunno what they wore or how they spoke there in the 20's.  It could also be that I wasn't paying full attention to my mandatory Pog History Lesson.  So lets make stuff up!

Pogs started in the 90's through sheer force of will.  No one knows where they came from or why.  We just knew that they had to exist, because Pokémon cards weren't a thing yet, and damnit, we had to collect something other than superhero cards.

Above you'll see the first Pog in existence: An Offical Tournament Pog.  At the time, no one knew what a "tournament" was.  The Pogs taught us.  With their minds.  Let's take a look at the Footage:

That is a standard round of Pogging, as they call it somewhere (I'm sure).  You stack 'em up, knock 'em down, and take the ones that flip over.  If you're playin' for keeps, you REALLY keep 'em.  Take those S.O.B.s for all they're worth.  This was as good a money, man. 

It looks simple, but it's useless if you don't have the gear.

First and foremost:

You're comin' into a Pog Tournament and you just spread your sticky, sweaty Pogs on the ground, thinkin' you're all that and a bag of chips.  Everyone agrees, because they can see the chip grease and crumbs all over your nasty-ass Pogs, you slob.  What you need is a PLASTIC TUBE!  Some call it a Pog Case, or a Pogglogerwaggledingle, or The STACK.  Probably. 

Point is: You whip out that bad boy and people know you mean business. 

They come real small or Compensation Style, depending on your level of play and how many Pogs you ganked off some sucker who didn't know you were playin' for keeps.  Or maybe you stole them, I ain't gona judge. 

There's one more thing beyond your Pogglogerwaggledingle, though: You need the perfect way to gank said Pogs from said sucker. 

You need a Slammer.

Slammers are your gateway to goods, 'cause they's what you gotta toss at the pile to win! You can carry some weak game in the form of plastic Slammers, but you'll be laughed out of a tournament before you ever get to use them.  Best chew on a plastic one for good luck and toss down a sexy heavy metal disc of Pog stealing madness.

Just like the wonderful rainbow of awesome that is Pogs, you could also find Slammers with just about any interest emblazoned upon the face of your victory disc.  I had a great Beavis and Butthead one that I'd show you if I could find the stupid thing, but young Alexx was all like "THIS IS SO COOL!" and ate it, maybe.  I dunno, I haven't talked to that kid since I was him.

Now you're ready to win Pogs!  What kinda Pogs are there to win, though?

Oh man.  OOOOH man.  You don't know.  You don't even know

LOOK AT THESE!  Okay so maybe this isn't the winning Pogs - not the ones you bring home to yo mama so she can put them on the fridge in place of your disgraceful regular A grade math test instead of the A+ you deserved.

No you need a SPIDER!  Tarantula.  Whatever.  Wait, no.

I meant Thrilla Gorilla!  Classic Pogs, amirite?!  Everyone wanted the Thrilla Gorilla.  I was just thinking the other day that my gorilla wasn't thrilla enough, and then I found my Pogs and I was like "Maybe I should do a post on april f-----HHHOLY SHIT IS THAT THRILLA GORILLA?!"

Or maybe this.  This guy.

Lookit'em.  Starin'.  There's a brick wall behind him.  Is he leanin' and learin'?  He doesn't have a neck.  So he's just a floating head with an all too pleasant look on his face that was slapped on a Pog

I don't wana own this.  I think it owns me.

Nah nah nah, lets get to the BIG GUNS!  The Skeletons!  With eight balls!  Or a freakin' Gak Pog!  You'll SKWEESH!  Skweesh with joy!  I've never been so blorting excited to see a Gak pog Schlopping over so I can glorp that shit. 

But if you're a real winner of pure chance, you could get stuff like Goosbumps or a Slush Puppie that everyone got on the bottom of their cup because they were drinking Slush Puppies and not Slurpies, for some reason. 

Or that Goldfish from the crackers, or JEB!  Yeah, Jeb!  You know, from VR Troopers? 

Ya know what, I don't want to ruin the magic, here.  The best Pogs are yet to come, people. 

Stay Tuned, because the Pog Blog is JUST GETTING STARTED.


  1. I now want POOOOOOGGGGGSSSSS!!!!!!


    1. Oh you better believe I've never forgotten that quote!

  3. I have all of my Pogs in a giant three ring binder with Pog pages in my hobby room. My slammers are still somewhere at my parents house, I believe. I really need to find them. Those things were crazy, ridiculous, and are definitely one of the things I first think about when I think about the 1990s. Three things define the 90s for me: Pogs, Alicia Silverstone, and Bill Clinton saying that he didn't have sexual relations with that woman.

    1. Dangit! I was totally gona do a Bill Clinton blog next!

      A few nights ago a conversation with a friend somehow found it's way on to Pogs, and this idea was born. The whole thing balanced on me finding my Pogs - and I did! I didn't keep track of them as well 'cause I didn't have very many good ones, but one of my other friends did, and you'll be seeing a lot of his actually awesome ones.

  4. At last.

    You threw a slammer directly at the Internet and it crumbled down into a pile of defeated cardboard discs.

    Take my skateboarding skeleton and holographic "2 Kool" dog-man and combination shark/sumo wrestler. You've earned them.

  5. Worth it for the .gif and Jeb.

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